MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will
be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world
religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will
be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range
of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are
away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement
in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello --
in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little
during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to
wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile
seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the
Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such
masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face
stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the
holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the
parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics
came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both
draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian
Father Kenneth Madigan.
Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased
dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the
concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church
has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure
people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing
arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with
Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is
available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the
most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the
earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in
every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a
scalable religious architecture that will support all religions
through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of
different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as
other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly
competitive religious market.
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