Infotainment Today presents:
EXPOSE: *Yoram
A day in the *life of Lotus Soapbox Infotainment Celebrity Star *Yoram.
by David Weinstein
Part I
Ever wonder who this guy *Yoram really is? What he does? Does he really work here at Lotus? And what the heck does *Yoram mean anyway? This infotainment reporter took it upon himself to find out. Because enquiring minds had to know. So I called *Yoram on his secret cellular phone and he agreed to let me spend a day running around town with him.
Thursday 6:45 AM:
A huge black, stretch limo pulls up in front of my place. Its got all
kinds of little antennas on the roof. I get in. Seated in the back is *Yoram
and a few people of unknown origin. As I sit down I notice the seating area
facing us is lined with televisions and a large control console. Each tv is
set to a major news, sports, or entertainment channel.
*Yoram introduces me to his entourage. "This", he says pointing to the attractive young woman dressed in black sitting next to him, "is Sara A. Goode, my communications expert and investigative reporter."
Sara smiles politely. "We call him Loopy for short" she says and goes back to monitoring the televisions.
"Next," he glances at the young man seated next to Sara dressed in dull grey pinstripe suit with a wide, vomit colored tie, "is my agent, Alexis."
"I see you shop at Filene's," I say to Alexis.
Alexis is too busy reading a copy of The Enquirer to awknowledge my presence.
"Anyway," *Yoram continues, "we're still going over my schedule for today. I'm working on a big story about Mutant Bigfoot Monsters who compete in synchronized swimming for the upcoming olympics. But first I have to see what's going on the world. GMA is on soon. We've got to see what Joan is up to this morning. And what Don Harrison of CNN has to say today."
He resumes watching the tvs and grimaces. "Sara, what's happening to the transmission from ABC? OY! !#%@*"
I notice a figure seated in the shadows at the far side of the limo whom *Yoram did not introduce me too. I peer closer. It's a man with silver hair, a big nose, wearing jeans, a blue t-shirt, and a smirk.
"*Yoram," I ask, "uh, who's that?"
"Oh, him!", *Yoram said, "That's me. Well, not really me, but my clone.
Well, he is me but he is not me..."
"Hi! How you doing?," the clone says.
"What?!?!?!" I yelled incredulously.
"Yes, well, I need someone to fill in for me at work at Lotus occasionally
when I am working on a big story. Like the mutant bigfoot...," *Yoram said.
9:00AM:
After driving aimlessly around town and finishing watching the news and
other programs, the limo pulls up in front of the Cambridge courthouse on
Thorndike Street near One Canal Park.
We get out of the limo and start walking down Thorndike St towards Canal
Park.
"I have to go in and check my email and overnight compilations," *Yoram
explains.
"What about the, uh, clone?" I ask.
"He goes in later. I usually pretend to go to Au Bon Pain for coffee and
that's when we make the switch."
"Oh."
We enter One Canal park, flash our Lotus badges, and take the elevator upstairs. *Yoram's office seems pretty typical. A few PCs, junk all over, a big satellite photo of Israel on the wall, and 3/4s of the desk is covered by music tapes.
*Yoram sits down and smirks. He pulls open a desk drawer filled with tapes. I look closely. One is by the band Leviticus, a death metal thrash band from Israel. The rest are of similar origin and genre. "Hey, don't tell anyone," he says. People think I'm just into Ella and this other jazzy stuff..."
*Yoram checks his email and other stuff. I hang out. "I'm posting my latest piece to the soapbox now. It's on nude stock car racing I saw last night on cable."
"Hmmmm," I reply, "I'll have to check it out later."
"Yea, and I also finished a restaurant review of "La LochNess Monstore"
the new bistro in the south end. Anyway, time to go."
"So," I ask, "do you ever do any real work?"
"What are you talking about?" he replies, "We're about to start the real
work."
"No, I mean, like computer work, y'know, whatever you do for Lotus..."
"Oh, yea, sure, my clone takes care of all that. For instance, today I
have a meeting later on the project and also have to do some programming."
"You write C code?"
"No, I write bugs."
"I see.....are you sure he's really your clone and not your evil twin?"
10:00 AM: We leave One Canal park and head over to the Galleria. It's 85 degrees out but *Yoram dons a long trenchcoat and dark glasses. We enter the Galleria and *Yoram points to some guy on line at Au Bon Pain.
"Look, its me." I look. Sure enough there is *Yoram on line waiting to
buy coffee. We hang out a moment.
"Would you like a sandwich with your coffee, sir?" the woman behind the
counter says to the clone.
"What, do I look malnourished or something?" the clone replies.
"Well, how about a Big Mac or Fries then?" the woman persists.
"What about roaches for the coffee?" The clone asks, "are you having a
special on those? Big black ones..."
The woman replies, "Actually that's only a special offered at the Kendall Square franchise but you can check by the sugar to see if we have any free samples..."
Laughing hysterically, we continue to the other side of the mall where the limo is waiting for us outside.
11:00 AM We are cruising down the Pike towards Needham where *Yoram has a power lunch with an entertainment reporter from WCVB.
"*Yoram," I ask, "this clone thing is really weird. How in Hell or on Earth did you or someone clone you? The technology does not exist! He's your twin brother right? You guys grew up together and played tricks on everyone and you're still doing it now, right?"
*Yoram looks at me and smirks.
The cellular phone rings. Sara gets it. "Hello....yes...I'm not sure if he's here now, can you hold....sorry but I am not authorized to answer that.....look, please just hold a minute...."
Sara clicks the phone on hold and looks at *Yoram seeming not too happy,
"uh, it's them from the legal office of Charles and Charles..."
"Yea," *Yoram says, "I'll take it."
She hands him the phone. Alexis is now working his way through a Premiere
magazine.
"Hello? .......hey....HEY! Look buddy, I don't care what Charles says,
you can tell him if he doesn't want any of the governments military secrets at
risk then he shouldn't use civilians as pawns in his cruel games...."
*Yoram listens for a moment. "......I have every right under the
constitution and the first amendment to write that piece about that slag heap
of a garbage scow you guys got the nerve to take people out on the Charles
River....."
".....Hello...yes...Charles? What? No....ok...ok....FINE! Look buddy,
you can just call my lawyer. I don't care...call my lawyer.
Goodbye....GOODBYE!" and with that he slams the cellular back in its cradle.
"Christ, with people like that helping to run the country its no wonder
things are so screwed up.
"Anyway, back to the tv's. What's on Playboy right now?"
To be continued....
Disclaimer
These events and persons may be actual or fictional. Its up to you to
decide. No coincidence is too small or large to be ignored.
Part II
11:30 AM:
The limo pulls up to a McDonalds somewhere is the suburbs and parks.
"What are we doing here?" I ask.
"We're doing lunch," *Yoram says, "or did you forget?"
"Here, at McDonalds?"
"What, you don't like McDonalds?"
"uh...."
"Seriously, this is where I have all my power lunches." Loopy explains, "Who would ever suspect to find me here? Especially after all the high class hoighty toighty restaurants I review in the database?"
The entourage leaves the limo and starts walking to the McDonalds. I notice our party is larger than everyone I saw sitting in the back. I figure the chauffeur must be going too. I look around but all I see is...is...Donald Trump! What's he doing here? "*Yoram...?"
"Don't bother me now. I'm looking for celebrities." he replies as we enter the McDonalds and he begins to look around.
We order food. As we wait in line I quietly whisper to *Yoram, "What IS
Trump doing here?"
"He's my chauffeur."
"Your chauffeur??!!?"
"What, you got a hearing problem?"
"No..its just that...."
"Well, it seems he needed to make a few interest payments and buy some
clothes for the kids and I needed a chauffeur so we worked out a deal."
"But *Yoram, who's funding all this? Where is the money coming from to pay
for the Limo and the tvs and the assistants? The readers want to know. They
have a right to know!"
"Later," *Yoram says, "All your questions will be answered later."
We find a table. I am sitting opposite Trump. I extend my hand. "Nice to
meet you Mr. Trump."
Trump looks up without returning the handshake gesture. "Nice to meet you
too," he says and starts eating his fries.
Wrong attitude for a chauffeur. I figure I'll get a dig in. "So I noticed
you and the Ex shopping at KMart in PA last week at the back to school sale."
Trump fires a mean look at me.
The reporter from CVB arrives at our table, Big Mac, Fries, Coke, and tape recorder in hand. The session ensues and for the first time I see Alexis jump into action. It seems Alexis has a photographic memory and cross references all infotainment data he has accumulated for the discussion between *Yoram and the reporter. Not bad for a dweeb. Sara also interjects some enlightened infotainment data for the conversation. Every now and then they query Trump on a few details. It seems he has his uses beyond driving.
1:30PM: We depart the McDonalds and continue on in the limousine. It looks like we are getting farther into the burbs as trees and fields overtake concrete and office buildings.
"Where are we going now, Loopy?"
"To meet the people who help run and fund *Yoram Enterprises."
I wonder who it could be. Maybe some of the people mentioned in Fortune magazines recent survey of the world's billionaires. Or maybe several? It certainly was NOT Donald Trump.
Suddenly the limo stalls and the tvs and the communications panel go dead. I look around wondering what the heck is going on. No one seems worried. This is very odd.
The limo rolls to a stop. I get out and *Yoram follows. There's nothing around but trees, road, and fields. Suddenly there is a burst of bright yellow light from above like the sun only closer. Much closer in fact as it moves silently at great speed straight for the limo.
The light subsides and It stops in front of the limo hovering about ten feet off the ground.
I've never seen anything like it and I don't think too many humans have either. There in front of the limo was a huge silver flying saucer right out the ovies and the pages of Weekly World News. On the side were emblazoned in small dark letters: "Charles II".
I looked at *Yoram speechless.
He glanced at me and said, "The name, its just a joke..."
A section of the saucer underneath opened up and fell to the ground forming a walkway from the ship to the ground. Two little green men pointy ears and antenna appeared at the top and started walking down the ramp toward us. This was just too unreal!
The little men were soon standing two feet away from us. They started making beeping and squeak tones to *Yoram. He listened and responded in kind. One of them handed *Yoram some old copies of the Enquirer, Weekly World News, and TV Guide.
"Alexis...," *Yoram yelled. Alexis came bounding out the limo and handed the aliens fresh copies of the same.
"They say," *Yoram said, "that their research is going well, but they still need more time and data. They want to slip the date but I told them I'll have to think about it."
The little men just stand there now looking at us. "One of our projects is to determine," *Yoram says, "how the humans know so much about us." He points to the Weekly World News which happens to have a cover story on "Alien Bigfoot Stole My Wife" with a photo of a flying saucer that eerily resembles the ship in front of me. The little men nod silently in agreement.
*Yoram continued, "I think its no coincidence that the Charles I happens to be based outside One Canal where my office is. Someone, like Charles, suspects. But he's too busy with his own agenda anyway to bother me too much."
"And the other project," he says, "that they want to postpone awhile is the upcoming feature for our network about Earth Humans and capitalistic society with its emphasis on infotainment overload."
"Your network?" I ask.
"Yes, Star System Yoram Infotainment Network. Back home I, with the help
of some of these others, bought a star system to be dedicated to producing
infotainment for our galaxy. Since I own the controlling interest, I named it
after myself, of course."
"Wait a minute!", I say incredulously (again). "You mean to tell me...??"
*Yoram is smirking again.
"Wait!" I say, "I get it! *Yoram is really 'Star Yoram'. Not as in
'celebrity' star but 'star' star!"
"Yes!", *Yoram replies.
"And you really ARE an Alien!"
"Phhhhh. I said so before in that article didn't I?!"
"But everyone thought it was a joke."
"Its a good cover, no?"
"Aren't you worried this article will blow your cover?"
*Yoram looked at me and said, "Who's going to believe you? They'll just think its a joke, your article. They'll think you're crazy..."
Disclaimer
These events and persons may be actual or fictional. Its up to you to
decide. No coincidence is too small or large to be ignored. And watch out for
little bigfoot aliens with pointy ears and antenna passing themselves off as
Elvis impersonators.
###