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Howard Stern 
riffs on:

Transcript of Howard's riff on Matrix Reloaded as broadcast Monday May 19th, 2003: 
(Updated 6-3-03 with Robin Reloaded, see after Howard review! Also mp3 downloads!)

A caller asks Howard for his review: 

Howard: Yea well we actually saw it last week and I didn't review it because the movie studio was nice enough to give us a private screening of it and uh so I held off my opinion. . .

I thought it was horrible! 

Caller: Oh it was great, people loved it. 

Howard: Yea it made the most money like, just a little bit less than Spiderman but . . . 

Robin: Like a hundred thiryfive million or something. . . ?

Howard: Yea it made a huge amount of money and nobody was more excited about seeing the Matrix Reloaded than me.  I went in there and the first half hour was brutally boring like...BRUTAL!! Then the effects, dont get me wrong, were stunning!  But it was almost like one of those things when you go to Expo at the worldís fair...or Dis...

Robin: Yea like an exhibition. Iím just showing you one stunt after another. This is what we can do with this material.

Howard: There was zero story and then at the end thereís, Iím not going to ruin it for anybody, but thereís sort of a...a 2001 kind of speech like you know when HAL the computer...and there...and itís just lots of talking...when theyíre not fighting theyíre just doing a lot of nonsense talk. Jaida Pinkett Smith I donít even know what she was doing in the film. I donít know who her character was. There was some guy who was...

Robin: There was no reason for it!

Howard: There was some guy who was angry with Lawrence Fishburne, you donít even know why.

Robin: And those know everybody kept making a big deal about the Twins... 'the Twins! the Twins! Wait till you see the Twins!!!'

Howard: Yea.

Robin: Iím like who are they?!?!

Howard: Yea and how come they have special powers?!?!

Robin: Yea why do they act that way?!?!

Howard: Yea I mean how did they get that?!

Artie: If someone says to me wait till you see the twins, you better be talking about chicks! 

Robin: Hahahahaha!

Howard: Right! Iím surprised that people are saying they like it. 

Robin: Thatís what I said to you...

Fred: Emporerís New Clothes!

Robin: I said to you on Friday, I said you know what? Itíll be interesting to see...and I thought that this is what would happen. Most people would come out and say ĎOh it was brilliant!í because I think they as Fred said think that theyíre supposed to say it!

Howard: I was even like reading some of the reviews and a guy who gave it a three star review but then I read the review and he was kind of like well the story doesnít make much sense and itís boring and uh then he gave it three stars cause I think heís afraid not to! 

Robin: Right. 

Fred: Heís gonna look foolish.

Robin: Cause thatís exactly what I...I read every review, nothing was glowing and stellar it was like all well yea thereís a long chase and this and that. 

Howard: Marshall Fein really liked it. I said to him how could you...I donít even understand  uh how you like it?! I donít even understand the movie! I mean...

Robin: Did he write you back and tell you what he liked about it?

Howard: Yea but you know (yells at caller who was interrupting him. . . .) the gay dude who calls in all the time from Premiere magazine? 

Robin: Uh huh.

Howard: Brant?  Who I like, he's a nice guy. 

Robin: Did he like the Matrix?! (laughs)

Howard: Umm...wait he wrote me a note too, he hit it right on the head...cause I gotta read this to you...he hit it right on the friggin head! (looking for email from guy) All I know is Robin Radzinski fell asleep during it and I was jealous! I was like I wish I was sleeping! 

Robin: It was funny because uh Toni Coburn, your hair dresser, came up to me the other day and she said "What did you think of that movie?" and I said I was you know majorly disappointed! She was like "Really?!  My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed it!" 

Howard: Yea well they're just happy to get out of the house! 

Robin: (Laughs)

Howard: Yea that's the only thing I can explain there! 

Robin: You found Brantley? 

Howard: Yea (reading email from Brantley): "If you're wondering why you haven't gotten my Matrix report yet, it' s because I hated it! The first half hour is Effing deadly dull! So much so that I actually took a quick nap and when I awoke a minute later there was a sort of an orgy scene that was going on that  was also so dull that I took another nap! Inbetween the action sequences which are certainly wham! pow! zok! impressive, but I couldn't have cared less about them..."

Robin: Right.

Howard: "...because of these long, long, long, long, incredibly deadpan dialogue scenes rife with tedious Germanic philosophy that reminded me of the last two Star Wars films, in horror!" (snickers) 

Robin: Yea!

Howard: "Yes that dull! So there's my report." 

Robin: He's right on the money!

Howard: Yea so uh that's from Brantley over at Premiere Magazine. 

Artie: Well the action scenes are amazing in it but God when it's not an action scene or Keanu Reeves is talking it's like the theature fills with sleeping gas. 

Robin: (laughs)

Howard: I know! It's awful! 

Robin: Is he duller than he's ever been?! 

Artie: Wow! And when he's saying stuff that doesn't make any sense, it's really bad!

Howard: Like don't you think the Matrix would've been cool like when they last left you on the first Matrix...

Artie: I loved it!

Howard: It was a great movie and this guy realizes he's The One, and then all of a sudden when you come back to this new one, he's The One and it's just sort of hohum...there are people offering  things...bringing this know there's all of these throwaway things. . .

Robin:  Well yea I said you know they had religious references and then there was a tribute to just about every action film we've seen in the last 20 years. 

Howard: Yea I mean wouldn't it be cool to see him sort of develop being The One and start sort of coming to grips with it and people starting to worship him and him tellin 'em "look I dont know what's going on..."

Robin: But all of those people were still asleep how'd they all wake up? You know?!

Howard: I don't know 

Robin: You (meaning the movie viewer) don't know anything! You don't know what it took to get people to come out of the Matrix...

Howard: That would've been more interesting right? 

Robin: Yea!

Howard: Yea I don't know, I started rewriting the movie. But wha'do I know?

Artie: Well all I know is the third one better wrap everything up beautifully otherwise this was a complete waste of...

Robin: Yea!

Howard: Well if you sit through the the end they show you the trailer for the next Matrix. It looks like it's more of the same. Just a lot of guys beatin each other up. 

Artie: Right.

Howard: But no real story. I don't know...that was just my opinion, I some people who said they really liked it. 

Robin: Right it sounds like a lot of people over the weekend liked it but you know there wasn't enough of Agent Smith to me...I mean you know here was this great villian and you know he was reduced to being an also ran. 

Howard: Yea! And they have some twins runnin around, they have powers....

Robin: You don't know why they have these powers...

Howard: They have powers, everyone's got powers...and you know some people do have powers...(and some people don't implied)...  

Lawrence Fishburne looks like he ate a cow! 

Robin: He ATE a Matrix!!!!

Howard: Yea I mean he got fat as a truck and then he's fighting and you're like I don't think this guy's going to be able to fight! 

Artie: Yea I was gonna say at the end of the first movie was he on his way to a steak and shake?! 

Howard: Yea I mean WOW! He swallowed an elephant! 

Robin: (laughing) He could've sat on his enemies in this film and subdued them.

Howard: Wow, I mean the first half hour was as dull as it gets....

Another caller:  (said when he went at 1pm and inbetween the action scenes there was an old guy snoring his ass off and as soon as the action came back on he woke up then he went right back to sleep)

Howard: That's the way I would ike to have watched it! 

Robin: Yea wake up for the good parts!

Howard: I could've slept through most of it then I'd be alright!

Transcript of Robin talking about seeing Reloaded a second time Monday 6-2-2003:

Howard: ...Matrix Reloaded brought in another $15 million they're up to $232 million and X-Men is up to $199 million. Love X-Men! 

Robin: Sheesh!

Howard: Yea, that's good!

Robin: Secretly there are a few of us who've gone to see the Matrix again and (laughing) liked it better the second time! 

Howard: Oh you went again?! Secretly?! Why'd you go secretly?! 

Robin: Cause I was embarassed hahaha!

Howard: Yea. You liked it better the second time?

Robin: Yea...

Howard: Alright.

Robin: (Robin music playing in background...) and I went in a half hour later!

Howard: Why'd you do that though, go a second time I mean...

Robin: Because there's a lot about The Matrix and what you need to know to carry on the story in the just know jumbled up in all that other crap!

The Twins!!!


[back to the MatriX review/comments page]

Yea ok I just moved into the 21st century and figured out how to edit wav files. The quality is not great but you can hear it. If I reach my bandwidth limit I'll have to remove them until the following month.  If someone wants to mirror them let me know and if you want to mirror higher quality clips let me know

Download the clips here:

Howard's Review (1.2mb)

Robin Reloaded (200k)

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