Letter to the IRS

IRS letter:

Editor's Note:  Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no
polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one
of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last
year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.
We believe the letter speaks for itself.

 Dear Sirs:
 I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
 dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.  I have
 questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil &
 expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
 responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
 for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
 next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
 deduction. This year they are yours!

 The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!  I suggest you
 put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
 about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
 hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a
 breeze; Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you
 will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over 
 keep in mind  that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have 
 the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to 
 fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen 
 also has a boyfriend. Oh
 joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
 mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
 abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.  This is
 always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in
 the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a
 rather good handle on the problem.

 Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
 close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself one day
 if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in
 the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his
 friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to
 the local IRS office or to  Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything
 on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's 
 the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he 
 is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. 
 I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice
 principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is
 the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he 
 lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, 
 explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm 
 sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, 
 and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

 Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
 magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
 from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
 and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
 taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On
 Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
 yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's
 quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they
 have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
 English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she
 fashioned out of valley girls/boyz in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
 doublespeak.  I don't. The school  sends her to a speech pathologist who 
 has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
 She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
 four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
 am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
 as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to
 move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

 You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
 which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
 bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
 oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
 teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
 Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon
 as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
 the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

 Yours Truly, Bob

 Note:
 The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
 they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

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